A Fangirl's Guide To The Monstrumologist
by MarcieMarmalade
Summary: What you need to know about one of the best books of all time!
1. The Bare Bones

_Monstrumology (noun):_  
_ study of creatures normally malevolent to humans, and not reconsigned as organisms by other branches of science._  
_ hunting of such creatures._  
_ scary skeletons_

The Monstrumologist series (by Rick Yancey) is the story of an angsty man named Willam James Henry, former apprentice to bi-polar scientist man Doctor Pellinore Xavier Warthrop. His adventures are transcribed in a journal, and they actually happened between 1888 and 1893. VICTORIAN ERA ANGGSSSST


	2. Books

**BOOK 1: THE MONSTRUMOLOGIST**

We are introduced to Will Henry and Pellinore. Will Henry has lost his shoes, and Pellinore has a finely chiseled features. 50 Shades of Erasmus Grey brought them an _Athropophagus_, which are not native to America. You see, Will and Pell live in New England (425 Harrington Lane, New Jerusalem, MA, send them your fan letters)._ Antropophagi_, on the other hand, lived in Africa, with many other dangerous creatures such as water buffalo, hippopotamuses, and the British. There's a dissection scene to weed out all the sissies, and then the pair launch into an investigation to find out why the "poppies" are in America. In between this time we meet a dying Captain, another sad boy, the Constable, and John Kearns (who is a sociopath but you will love him). THINGS GET KILLED AND MORE GORE HAPPENS, HURRAH! There is a bit of sadness in this book, but considerably less than other installments of the series. Rick Yancey was kind enough to administer a small dose of emotional pain before exposing us to it entirely.

**BOOK 2: THE CURSE OF THE WENDIGO**

Pellinore and Will Henry are back, and this time things get REALLY. ANGSTY. They are having a conversation (meaning Pellinore is having one of his heart-wrenching but annoying moments of self pity), when there is a knock on the door. They have a lady caller! It's Muriel Barnes- I mean CHANLER, and she is Pellinore's ex-fiance! Mrs. CHANLER has come to request Pellinore find her husband John (aka his best friend aka the man she left him for), who hasn't come back from his expedition in the terrifying and dangerous terrain of... Canada. Pellinore lets his emotions get in the way of everything else (AGAIN), and basically tells the poor woman off. I think. It's been a while since I've read this book and I know there's a copy of it right across the room from me but HEY I'm writing this so there's only so much you can expect from me. Anyway, she ends up leaving, but they still go to Canada anyway because fuck it. So there's 20 chapters of starving and freezing in the Canadian wilderness, and they find John all sickly and skinny and it's sad yet kind of gross at the same time (there is also a man named Sargent Hawk, and his fate is a joke Rick Yancey waited a very long time to make). With John rescued, they head to New York, where we meet Pellinore's Meister Abram and Lilly Bates, who is very pushy with Will Henry. It makes him uncomfortable, but he's clearly into her. Of course there's some debate about the existence of Wendigos (and whether or not John has turned into one), but Pellinore thinks they'e bullshit and tells Abram off about it and yeah this is why I'm surprised he has friends. But then we get... ANGST. SO. MUCH. ANGST. I mean, the amount of emotional pain this book puts you through is actually quite ridiculous and honestly I'm surprised I didn't try to drown myself in the sink after I finished it. Particualrly at the very end, when Will and Pell have a bittersweet moment. It's basically Yancey's way of saying "THE END, HAVE FUN DROWNING IN YOUR OWN TEARS!".

**BOOK 3: THE ISLE OF BLOOD**

A month or so after the events of book 2, Pell and Will are visited by a distraught landlord. He claims to have been poisoned by Kearns, when really it was just a placebo effect. Pellinore "cures" him (which is another placebo effect), but the guy ends up dying anyway because irony. And all this happens because of the present Kearns told him to bring Pell. It's a nest made out of torn flesh and held together with toxic saliva! How thoughtful! So Pellinore and Will must go to the Isle of Blood (or Golden Isle, but Isle of Blood is much more honest) and kill the creature that made the nest. First they head to New York, and in struts Thomas Arsewipe- I mean Awkright, who basically steals Pellinore from Will by stroking his ego for hours on end. Thus, Pell leaves for London with Awkright, abandoning Will Henry with Abram and his nieces. Yeah, he complains about this for several chapters. Then one night, Will gets a feeling that Pellinore might be in peril, so he runs all the way to Abrams house. Cue the return of Arsewipe, who claims that Pellinore is dead. After an interrogation lead by Dr. Torrance (who is French, tall, and an alcoholic), they conclude that Pellinore is in fact alive and fetch him from London. This is the point where Pell starts hating British people. Anyway, they start their journey to the Isle, meeting some of Pell's old friends along the way (and also some Russians that want to get to the Isle of Blood first). And once they get to the Isle, they have to deal with Kearns._ Goddammit, Kearns._

BOOK 4: THE FINAL DESCENT

I seriously have no jokes to make about this one, because it is honestly one of the most painful things I have ever read in my entire life. Like, say you have a cup full of tears. And not just any ordinary tears, I mean like the tears of someone who just found out someone they loved very much died. Maybe mixed with some of the tears of a person who read The Fault In Our Stars. Regardless, you take those tears of pure pain and pour them onto an empty book. The words of The Final Descent will appear on the pages. Honestly, I would have been better off just having my heart LITERALLY torn from my chest. But I don't care because THAT BOOK WAS SO GOOD OH MY GOD


	3. Characters

**William James Henry:**  
Will Henry is an angsty boy who grows up to be an angsty alcoholic. His parents died in a fire when he was 10, because Fire Fire burns much brighter when Will's loved ones are the suppliers. He always expresses his hatred for Pellinore (or at least claims up and down that he never loved the man), but I have a feeling that's out of resentment of the fact that the man who was supposed to be a father figure for him was cold and a bit mean. But whatever, I still sit under my covers at night and make dolls of him and Pell hug.

**Dr. Pellinore Xavier Warthrop:**  
Good lord, where do I begin with this man? He's older and experienced his field yet only 35, cynical yet hopeful, has a dirty business yet is said to be quite handsome (which I find is a really interesting choice for Yancey), cold yet caring, brave yet a coward... _YES YES YES HE IS SUCH A COMPLEX CHARACTER I LOVE IT!_ Also, he is very intelligent. And don't let him bullshit you in book 2, he keeps calling Muriel stubborn BUT HE'S EVEN MORE STUBBORN THAN HER. Especially when it comes to softer points like his parents and other loved ones.

**Dr. John Kearns:**  
John Kearns, aka Jack, aka Corey, aka a lot of other names, is a sassy British sociopath with a ponytail and a pencil mustache. FEAR HIM! He is very intelligent and interesting, and also disgustingly manipulative. But he's so charming that even if he gutted a baby animal in front of you, you would forgive him, because he's just that damn awesome. Also, he's a serial killer. I feel like that should be addressed.

**Herr Dr. (Meister) Abram Von Helrung:**  
This is the man who taught John and Pell Monstrumology, and I'm sure he did it very well because he's the president of the study's whole Society. He used to be badass (Van Helsing was based off of him!), but by the time the series rolls around he is a kitten. My proof of that is a scene in book 3 when Will Henry knocks away his prized chess set out of teenage-boy angst. Yancey literally describes the noise of distress Von Helrung makes as a mewl. Like a kitty cat! Meowmeowmeowmeow. I REST MY CASE.

**Lillian Trumbl Bates:**  
What is there to say about Lilly Bates? She is a bit annoying and her mouth seems to run on it's own power source, but she's a good kid. The way she treats Will Henry is quite frankly HILARIOUS, and her goal to be the first female Monstrumologist is pretty solid. She has a pretty normal life all things considered, although her Great Uncle is a Monstrumologist. She's also Will Henry's main love interest (SURPRISE SURPRISE), even though he doesn't really make a move until book 4. They're cuties though, I can tell you that much. Also for a character that's so accustomed to gore (at least in drawings, she seems to eat that stuff up), I think how she reacts to actually seeing it (and other horrible things) very interesting. SHE IS A GOOD CHARACTER IS WHAT I'M SAYING. You may think she's like the Lizzie Midford of Monstrumologist, but she really isn't, and it's excellent. (P.S: Lizzie is also a pretty good character too mkay don't fight me about it).

**The Yancey God:**  
Rick Yancey is the author of the Monstrumologist series. _**All bow to him**_. He dictated what happened to all our beloved character, and to be honest I feel like he betrayed me at the end there because, I'll admit it, we all expect the authors of our favorite characters to coddle them, and make them happy, and feed them chocolates because_ goddammit that's what __**we**__ would do_. But we can never win. Fangirls never win. So Rick Yancey may sit up there in all his glory, filling up cups with our tears and downing them in one swig.


	4. Monsters

_**Anthropophagi**_, aka _**Shark Monkeys**_, are deadly and terrifying. They have no heads. Their eyes are on their shoulders, their mouths are on their stomachs (which are full of razor sharp teeth), and their brains are in their groin area because that's probably a subtle joke to the way most men think. They're also quite large (about 8 feet tall), and have long arms with razor-sharp claws on the end of them, which they use to pick meat out of each others teeth. How sweet! Also, I can neither prove nor disprove that they get together, put on monocles and top hats, and have tea parties.

_**Wendigos**_ aren't supposed to exist so I will merely insert a song.

_Rudolph the Canadian cannibal _  
_Had a really rotten nose_  
_And if you ever saw it_  
_You would really say it's gross_  
_All of the other natives_  
_Always screamed and ran away_  
_They never let poor Rudolph_  
_Join in any festive games_  
_Then one foggy winter night, Monstrumologists came_  
_Pellinore screamed "YOU DON'T EXIST"_  
_And poor Rudolph ran away_  
_Then all the Natives were safe_  
_So they shouted out with glee_  
_But Pellinore the Monstrumologist_  
_Never went down in history_

Dammit I made myself sad

_**Mongolian Death Worms**_, aka _**Cuddle Worms**_, are exactly what they sound like: worms that live in the deserts of Mongolia. You might recognize them as an actual cryptid, to which I say GOOD FOR YOU. They surprisingly small, and have a deadly toxin they use to subdue and consume their prey. They're also hermaphrodites.**_ IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT YOU REMEMBER THEY ARE HERMAPHRODITES!_**

And then there's the _**Sugar Bowl**_. You know, that bowl made out of flesh? It's part _pwdr sêr_ (which is an actual thing), and part your worst nightmare. The creatures that make them are said to be the Holy Grail of Monstrumology, which doesn't make sense with Pellinore's name analogy because King Pellinore was after the _Questing Beast_. But then again those things are technically beasts so I guess it still counts? I have no idea and I can't say much more without spoiling book three. But yeah... SUGAR BOWLS.


	5. In Conclusion

Oh course, there is a lot more to The Monstrumologist than just these things. But you'll have to read them to find out. And if you've already read the books. I hope this has eased some of your leftover book 4 feels.

Also I'm too lazy to write anymore I kind of just want to lay in bed and squirm and cry over how much I love Pellinore now.

_Thus is my pitiful life._

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!


End file.
